True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Holy sore nipples Batman
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
