Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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