Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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