I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
