I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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