So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
