My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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