Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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