question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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