The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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