Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
