I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Of course I have a pirate flag
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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