i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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