the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
