I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
