There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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