Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
