I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
