Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
