I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
