someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
