I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
