Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
