You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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