4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
