Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
