So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
