When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
