the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
