I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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