While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
