I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
