I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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