You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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