Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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