the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
