The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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