I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
