i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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