Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
