I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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