I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she told me i tasted like america
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
