this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
