I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
