a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
