And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
