he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
