My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
