For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
