I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
